Dependable

In the movie Black Hawk Down there is a scene where Eversman chooses Nelson to cover their move to the first helicopter crash site. Nelson asks, "How come I gotta stay back here?"  and Eversman replies, "Because you're dependable."  Nelson readies his weapon and remarks, "I hate being dependable, man!"

"I hate being dependable!"  (Columbia Pictures)

Nelson makes it clear he doesn't want to be in this position but still performs his duty because he knows the unit is depending on him 

It's a funny gag in a tense scene and gets my attention becuse it's something I feel regularly. While my experiences don't measure up to combat, I have often been counted on for my dependability. It's something I am both proud of and saddened by. 

I have what is known as "Do-my-best-no-matter-what syndrome". It's a serious condition that can lead to fatigue, regret, and praise for something you are good at but wish you weren't. 

For decades I have worked in retail or customer service but none of it has ever been fulfilling. When you practice at something long enough,  eventually you get really good at it. Everyone around you expects this is what you are made for and congratulate you on your skill. The praise is genuine, but I don't enjoy it. I appreciated it but always feel empty and dissatisfied leaving me drained. The mountain of experience in a field I don't enjoy weighs on me like an anchor. 

To effect change, I've been allocating energy to artistic pursuits even to the point of looking for new employment in a field that has something to do with art. i can't just quit because the paycheck is still needed. 

Greg Ruth in the Muddy Colors blog wrote, "While inspiration can find you anywhere, it can find you faster if it knows where you’ll be." In the past, the only place I haven't been dependable is to the esoteric energy governing creativity. Art has been one of the driving forces in my life. Everything I've done has been with the idea, "I'll just do this until I can get back to art full time." 

Looking back, I can see that it was a false path. I have traveled so far down it, I can finally see the trail is petering out. The idea of continuing to an obscure and unhappy future doesn't sit well with me. I realize I have to forge my own trail until I'm back on the right one. I'm working to be where inspiration will find me and I can be dependable where it matters most to me.