The testing process was interesting and more detailed than I ever realized it might be. Looking back at the segments, I could kind of understand what each was supposed to check. Many had to do with memory but my favorite was using shaped tiles to recreate outlines shown to me. There was only one at the very end that was a bit challenging and took me maybe twice as long as the others.
The results came two weeks later. I have to say I wasn't surprised to be diagnosed autistic. Everything I had been experiencing and discovering about my life pointed that way. I have lived 54 years without knowing why everything was so hard.
I'm not whining. I genuinely wondered how other people managed to get past some of the things I saw as almost debilitating. I thought they were experiencing the world the same way I was. They just seemed somehow immune.
I had no idea I was playing a completely different game. Or maybe the same game but with the wrong rulebook. There were so many embarrassing behaviors I never realized, or in some cases, I didn't know I was behaving strangely. Then I windered why people rejected me.
I was just beginning to think I had finally figured out I was supposed to be depressed for the rest of my life. A kind of acceptance of fate.
When I learned I hadautism I didn't know what to feel. I immediately went through a sort of life analysis. All the things I did that I didn't know why suddenly made sense. I was recontextualizing the entire 54 years under this new paradigm. Interactions, responses to stimuli or events, times I felt awkward in a conversation. All the times I worked to finish something even past the point of exhaustion. Or other times when I couldn't get started on something because I couldn't see the way forward.
I never really struggled much with school subjects, but I did with the relationships. I was a Gifted and Talented Education (GATE) student and there was a certain amount of pressure to be the best among peers. I have learned recently that the GATE program was a recruiting ground for military special programs. Supposedly the remote viewing programs were never shut down. They just changed. But that's for another post.
After my diagnosis I really didn't feel different. I just had a new perspective on my existence. And somehow that was both liberating and terrifying.
feel.
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